Officer Wylie
I was in Vallejo this past Saturday to have brunch with my brothers and to get a haircut (as I do every other Saturday). After meeting up with Daniel, Chuck, and Sandra and enjoying the pleasant ambience of Ling Nam (restaurant), I was sort of in a hurry to get to my haircut appointment. Without even paying attention to my driving, I noticed a CHiP on my right hand side, parked under a tree just across the Target Store. As I passed him, I knew I had done something wrong. Sure enough, he turned on his lights for probably his first catch of the day. It’s always embarrassing to get stopped by the police in public. You know the other drivers are staring and saying, "Look at that stupid ba*tard"! It’s probably the most humiliating part of being a driver, aside from your car stalling in the middle of the freeway.
Anyway, before I could even get my license out of my wallet, he was already right beside my driver’s side window. I didn’t even hear him approach since I was so pissed off (plus, Sixpence None the Richer was blasting on my CD player). He then asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going"? I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "I was driving with the *flow of traffic". If I wasn’t fumbling to find my registration, my response would have been, "Sir, if I knew how fast I was going, do you think I would have been SPEEDING"?! What morons some police officers are. That’s why we were trained in the Air Force to state the direct reason why someone was stopped instead of asking stupid and obvious questions. For example, "Sir/ma’am, you were stopped for: speeding/failure to stop at a designated stop sign /failure to wear a seatbelt/swerving/missing tail lights/stupidity/reckless driving/having a monkey on your lap/carrying a bottle of whiskey while driving/mooning/being blind/smashing in to my car/running over a senior citizen", etc… direct and concise statements. Anyway, the officer then stated that I was driving 50mph at a 35mph zone. Big deal! There was nobody around me. And quite frankly, he should have been paying more attention to those **rice rockets that race across that same street instead of my 4-cylinder RAV4. And just for the record, the last time I received a traffic ticket was back in 1996 in New Mexico. So, I can proudly say that I’m a very safe and responsible driver.
So, there I was sitting in my car, already expecting the hideous ***pink sheet of paper which essentially symbolizes my hard-earned money going down the drain. Sure enough, he had me sign the ticket and handed me that dreaded piece of carbon paper. As he gave it to me, I thought about a few words that I could have blurted out right in front of him, none of which would have been pleasant but not as bad that I would have been slammed on the asphalt and taken to the station in handcuffs. What I wish I would have said before we parted ways was, "Officer Wylie, I see that you have some brown disgusting residue on your bottom lip and in between your teeth. For you to be chewing tobacco on the job is very unprofessional and quite inappropriate. Oh, by the way, thanks for the ticket. Now watch me learn my lesson". Right then I would have sped right through the sunset forcefully waving my middle finger in the air.
Officer Wylie, you're number #1!
*Wrong answer since there were no other cars around me at the time.
**Too Fast, Too Furious cars – "Pinoy" style.
***Why they use pink? I think it’s to soften the blow. Plus, it’s SO fashionable.
Anyway, before I could even get my license out of my wallet, he was already right beside my driver’s side window. I didn’t even hear him approach since I was so pissed off (plus, Sixpence None the Richer was blasting on my CD player). He then asked me, "Do you know how fast you were going"? I just shrugged my shoulders and said, "I was driving with the *flow of traffic". If I wasn’t fumbling to find my registration, my response would have been, "Sir, if I knew how fast I was going, do you think I would have been SPEEDING"?! What morons some police officers are. That’s why we were trained in the Air Force to state the direct reason why someone was stopped instead of asking stupid and obvious questions. For example, "Sir/ma’am, you were stopped for: speeding/failure to stop at a designated stop sign /failure to wear a seatbelt/swerving/missing tail lights/stupidity/reckless driving/having a monkey on your lap/carrying a bottle of whiskey while driving/mooning/being blind/smashing in to my car/running over a senior citizen", etc… direct and concise statements. Anyway, the officer then stated that I was driving 50mph at a 35mph zone. Big deal! There was nobody around me. And quite frankly, he should have been paying more attention to those **rice rockets that race across that same street instead of my 4-cylinder RAV4. And just for the record, the last time I received a traffic ticket was back in 1996 in New Mexico. So, I can proudly say that I’m a very safe and responsible driver.
So, there I was sitting in my car, already expecting the hideous ***pink sheet of paper which essentially symbolizes my hard-earned money going down the drain. Sure enough, he had me sign the ticket and handed me that dreaded piece of carbon paper. As he gave it to me, I thought about a few words that I could have blurted out right in front of him, none of which would have been pleasant but not as bad that I would have been slammed on the asphalt and taken to the station in handcuffs. What I wish I would have said before we parted ways was, "Officer Wylie, I see that you have some brown disgusting residue on your bottom lip and in between your teeth. For you to be chewing tobacco on the job is very unprofessional and quite inappropriate. Oh, by the way, thanks for the ticket. Now watch me learn my lesson". Right then I would have sped right through the sunset forcefully waving my middle finger in the air.
Officer Wylie, you're number #1!
*Wrong answer since there were no other cars around me at the time.
**Too Fast, Too Furious cars – "Pinoy" style.
***Why they use pink? I think it’s to soften the blow. Plus, it’s SO fashionable.
2 Comments:
Cops can really suck sometimes.
I've learned one thing about tickets: Most of the time someone gets pulled over and gets at ticket, they aren't a reckless or irresponsible driver, they're just an unlucky driver. Stop pulling over people who speed on empty roads. Pull over the person who goes 90 weaving in and out of traffic on the highway.
Amen to that.
There's never a cop around when you really need one. Where are they when idiots race across a crowded freeway or during rainy days?
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